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How Trying to Secretly Fart Landed Me In The Hospital

  Image by Polina Zimmerman for Pexel via Canva Pro

Trying To Be Lady-Like Can Be Dangerous

It was November of 2020, nearing the end of a very strange year, and 6 months into a new relationship.

My girlfriend and I had driven to Connecticut to meet my Dad to celebrate his birthday. She travels a lot for work and has a lot of hotel points, so we booked a room that evening.

As we arrived at the hotel, we immediately realized that this was not a regular hotel. When we got to our room, our suspicions were confirmed with a TV playing a loop of exercise tapes, mats, kettlebells, and weights. We were staying at a fitness hotel.

Although a little weirded out, I was also excited, since Covid-19 has kept me away from any public areas where people sweat collectively, so I took part in a cardio flow Yoga video. Afterward, I hopped in the shower.

I’m also lactose-intolerant, and like most lactose-intolerant people I know, I said f*** it and had a few bites of my dad’s birthday cake with buttercream frosting. Big mistake.

I had been holding in flatulence the ENTIRE time I was doing yoga, which if I do say so myself is quite a feat. I have never been able to fart or even say the word fart in front of another human, especially not in front of this particular human that I happened to be in love with.

For this reason, I knew my time in the shower was the only chance I had to release the demonic air bubbles trapped in my intestines.

I had learned a while back from a coworker that laying on your left side will cause all gas to be released from your bowels. Don’t ask me why my coworker was telling me this. He was weird, but it does work. So here I am, laying on my side in the shower, trying to squeeze out the trapped air bubble.

Another important factor here — I have extremely wide hips. One may even say I have a Daisy Duck body. My physical trainer after this incident actually said that, because yes, I needed a physical trainer to recover from this mess. When I lie on my side on a completely flat, hard surface, my hips are forced to be in a very intense and uncomfortable position unless I have a pillow between my legs, which I did not, because I was in the shower.

I tried laying on either side to de-gas myself to no avail. This led to me crushing my hip joints on the shower floor again and again with desperation, knowing the SECOND I left the bathroom and entered the tiny hotel room with my girlfriend in it, the fart would return with a vengeance, threatening to transform me from an attractive young lady to a disgusting, unloveable fart monster.

When I finally gave up on this fruitless endeavor, I rifled through my bag looking for a tampon, because of course, on top of everything else, I also had my period.

I found the tampon and dropped it on the floor.

I leaned down to get it and heard a firm POP and then excruciating pain.

After collapsing on the floor, I screamed in shock as if someone had just stabbed one of my Horcruxes with a basilisk fang. There was no way I could position my body to make the shooting fire stop. I ended up naked and face down on the floor.

After a few minutes of trying to get up and screaming at the shocking level of pain, my girlfriend called 911.

My story ends with a cop, three firemen, and 2 EMS professionals gazing with fear upon my naked body barely covered with a towel and the puddle of blood under it on the floor. Trust me, if I could have avoided this, I would.

After being injected with a muscle relaxor and morphine, I could just move enough to have a sheet put under me and have multiple men hoist me on a stretcher and take me to the ER.

I had slipped a disk in my back, and I firmly believe if I hadn’t contorted my body into unimaginable positions trying to fart in the shower it wouldn’t have happened. Bending down was the tampon, I mean straw, that broke this camel’s back.

What’s the moral of the story? Sometimes even the fanciest of ladies have to fart.

I still struggle to even talk about my bodily functions, but since this incident, my girlfriend has forced me to fart in front of her so we can get over this hump and become closer as a couple, and you know what? I think it’s worked.

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